StillBorn. Still Fresh. Still Hard.

Something I've learned about things we experience in families: We all experience the same thing SO different!
This is my story.

2010 was a year of losses... Tremendous losses. It was also a year of tremendous spiritual growth for me.
My 16 year old sister, Jacklyn, became pregnant in the spring of 2010
 

During her pregnancy we lost my brother Cody to suicide.

A year ago this week my family and I were getting ready to welcome a new member of our family.
Jacklyn struggled to decide what to do during her pregnancy. Being so young she had a lot of responsibility she would have to assume for her baby. 

I remember sitting and talking with her during this decision-making time. I'll be honest: I was deeply hoping she would choose adoption.  See, my mom was a single parent for a while and I feel like I helped raise my little sisters. Rachel, Jacklyn, and Jessica aren't just my little sisters. I feel like they're my daughters, in a way. I have a love for them that I can't explain.
Jacklyn's future was uncertain. I was fearful for her although she did not seem afraid. I wondered why that was. Did she not know how scary and difficult the real world is? 

I told her, "I want you to pray and truly think about what Heavenly Father would want you to do for your baby. If you do that, I will support you 100% in whatever you choose."
Weeks later I asked Jacklyn what she had decided. She said, "I'm keeping her."
My heart dropped. I remembered my promise and decided to keep my end of the deal. 

We had her shower on November 16.

I looked at her the night of the shower and marveled at how much she had grown. I thought about how, just months before, in the summer, I had called her while I was working at EFY. She had gotten a full time job and was working hard all summer to save money for her baby.
I remember hanging up the phone and crying. She was brave and fearless. She was taking responsibility for her actions. (The big sister in me couldn't help but get emotional)

The day after the shower, in the freezing cold, she bundled up and walked a mile or so to Walmart. When my Mom asked her what she was doing she said, "Getting some stuff for Brynlee that I didn't get at the shower." My mom said, "With what money?" Jacklyn had saved over $1,000 to help pay for her baby girl.

The weekend came and Saturday night I was on a date. I started getting phone calls and texts. Jacklyn was in labor and they were taking her to the hospital. I grew excited. My mom asked if I would run out to her house and stay with the foster kids while my mom went to meet Jacklyn at the hospital. I left my date early and began driving to my mom's. I was praying in my car that Jacklyn and the Baby would be okay...
Suddenly my phone rang. It was Bryan (my step dad) He said, "The baby's head..." then the phone dropped the call.

My heart sank. I frantically called him back. Then I realized what he had said... "The baby is dead."
I finally got a hold of him and my fears were confirmed.
When I got to my mom's my Aunt Shawna came over to be with the kids while I went to the hospital. I was so hysterical I had to call my aunt Tracie to come with me.
I will never forget the look on my sisters face when I entered her hospital room. She was looking at the ceiling. Tears were streaming down her face, into her hair. Her worst nightmare had come to pass.

It is the worst feeling in the world to hold someone you love in your arms and know that NOTHING you say will take away their pain. 

During Jacklyn and Jessica's life they have often said to me, "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW IT IS TO BE..." I have always been able to reply, "YES I DO." I was once 16. I have been fatherless. I have been abused. I have been hurt and disappointed.
This time was different. I looked Jacklyn in the eyes and said, "I don't know how you feel, but I'm sorry"

I remember her holding her stomach and saying, "I just want to hear her cry, just once."
Never will I take for granted the gift to hear my own child cry.

 

The next evening I went with my mom to pick Jacklyn up from the hospital. I sobbed before but told myself that I was going to be strong this time.

When I got there my aunt Shawna, uncle Brady, and several other relatives were visiting her. The spirit of the room was peaceful and comforting. 

I remember they all left to let Jacklyn get dressed and ready to go home. I shut the hospital door behind them and Jacklyn got up from her hospital bed, while my mom picked up things in the room.
I grabbed Jacklyn's bag and began unzipping it. I could see Jacklyn looking at me when all the sudden Brynlee's clothes fell out of the bag. They were the clothes Jacklyn was going to take Brynlee home in.

Jacklyn fell back on the bed in tears. My heart sank. All I could say is, "I'm so sorry. I didn't know." My mom held her as I stepped into the hall. I couldn't control my sobs. A poor nurse kindly asked if I needed a tissue. Finally, I composed myself and went back in. We finished getting Jacklyn's things and I went to get the car.We loaded her in while another mom and dad were taking their baby home.
We had 4 people in the car, but that was the loneliest drive I've ever had. My car felt empty. Everything felt so wrong. So sad. So unfair.
I'm not going to lie. I cried my eyes out typing this. I still don't know "Why". A year ago I took comfort in the thought that someday we'll know why. All I know is that ...“No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. … All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” (Elder Orson F. Whitney said that) I have been strengthened by this experience. I see things so differently. My eyes have been opened to a whole new view of how precious life is. I am better because of Brynlee. He sweet spirit is felt at times and I know that she had a purpose. Soon after everything happened I wondered, "what was the point in creating her body if she wasn't going to use it?" Then the thought came, "This life is not the only time we use our bodies. This is act 2 of a three part play."

Thanks Brynlee for reminding me to love deeper, laugh harder, forgive easier, and live better.
love, Aunt Paige