Back from a long break

Holy Moly did I take a long hiatus or what? I haven't blogged since November... whoops.

The holidays were great and Caleb and I found out the best news I've ever received -- We're pregnant!

We found out on December 20, 2012. 

I would like to tell about our journey till this point. 

Fall of 2012 Caleb and I talked and we wanted to try to bring a  little one of our own into the world. We both had and still have school left and we were absolutely loving being newly weds so we weren't in a hurry. 

We figured we'd get pregnant within a few months and plan from there. 

 We discovered Caleb had Graves and Hashimotos so we thought that once that was under control things would sort out.

More time passed and Caleb and I started to talk about our concerns about not getting pregnant.

We kept hearing about different friends and family members who were pregnant and I seriously wondered what was wrong with us. We started researching and praying that everything would work out.

If any of you know my family you know that a lot of the girls in my family are insanely fertile.
I couldn't help but wonder. Why is it so hard for us and so easy for young teenage girls  or drug addicts who don't want to be moms? Am I really going to be one of those women who never know what it feels like to be pregnant and have a baby who looks like me and the man I love? 

Some of you reading this are going to have the same reaction that people did when I told them we had tried for that long.
I know I know. I'm young. We just got married less than two years ago. Many people take that long to get pregnant... I know.

I would have said thing to someone had I not experienced my own period of infertility. 

We told our families it had been about a year and I'm so grateful for their fasting and prayers to help us.
I know they were answered. 

I can't put into words how Caleb and I felt wondering if we'd ever get pregnant.

I feel like I tasted 1/100000000 of the pain women with infertility experience and let me tell you - It hurts. 

I always thought when I read articles and heard about infertile couples, "Oh if I'm like that I'll just adopt a cute black baby from africa or an ecuadorian and call it good."

 I wrote it off and thought that it can't be that bad. I think I thought the same thing about miscarriages and stillborns until I got older. I am so humbled by how unwise I was and how much life has taught me.

I know a lady who I think is beautiful, strong, so fun to be around, radiates happiness, and has an equally adorable husband. Seriously people, she's "that" woman who you want to be like in just about every way.
I love being around her and I think she has NO idea how much others idolize her.
She and her husband are infertile for the rest of this life... for sure. 

They will not get to experience in this life the sweetness of creating a child with God and each other. I have looked up to her since I met her as a teenager.

 I have wondered, "why would Heavenly Father not bless people like them?" I also wondered why such beautiful traits of human beings will not be passed down to further generations. 

When talking to this woman she said to me in essence, "We promised to multiply and replenish the Earth and He won't let me. I don't understand. While serving in young women's it was hard to see my teenage girls who were unprepared get pregnant while I longed to be."

 My heart ached for her. 

Her and her husband have a beautiful home and are faithful.Why them?

I don't know why they were chosen for this trial. Life is so bitter sometimes. I do know that when I was struggling with my worries about infertility she was my favorite person to talk to. She is the best listener. She is kind. She doesn't judge you or your feelings. She doesn't try to answer your questions. I found myself telling her things I had only told my husband. I felt peace talking to her. I also saw how others felt around her. We all benefited from her spirit and goodness. I do know that her trial has made her even more gentle and feminine. 

I truly believe that she and others like her are the ones who will truly know how sweet the blessing of pregnancy is. I believe this trial has made her one of the greatest examples of Motherhood.  

I know Heavenly Father has a plan. 

One night I was home alone doing dishes and trying to wrap my head around us not getting pregnant. 

I thought about all the sacrifices I made to be where I am.
I thought about going to church and sitting by myself, studying the scriptures diligently on my own, making difficult and painful decisions because I wanted the best for my future children. I thought about how I strived to be temple worthy and promised God and myself that I would only marry in the Temple of the Lord.
I wanted to be the best mom that many things didn't even tempt me when I thought about my future family.

 I thought, "So this is my punishment for keeping the commandments."

Immediately I was humbled by a strong impression, "There are never punishments for keeping the commandments of God, only blessings!"

I quietly sat there and couldn't help but have tears come to my eyes as I thought of how ungrateful I was being. I was not trusting my Heavenly Father and my Savior.

The night we found out we were pregnant I couldn't help but be heart broken for all the people who would not receive that news in this life.  I wondered why we were relieved from that trial.

I am so grateful for this pregnancy and the opportunity to partner with God in creating a life. 

I hope that this story conveys my tender feelings towards this subject and my admiration for those who have the trial of infertility. They are my heros!