Suicide. My story.

It will be four years this June since Cody left this world. I kept thinking that I would come to some sweet conclusion; that the effects of this trial would make so much sense. While doing my blog post about Brynlee, I thought, soon I'll be able to write out my feelings about losing Cody. Its been two years since I wrote that post and thinking about the night Cody died still stings like a knife in my stomach. Maybe I'll find comfort in writing this, maybe not. I decided I just wanted to share my story. I going to try to be honest  about all that I experienced. Here we go...

I met Cody when I was 11 years old. I never had a brother. Our parents were dating. We got along, we fought, my sisters and I had to adjust to a boy being around. The first few years were classic blending family stuff. (If you've ever blended a family, you know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.)

He was a crazy boy. Loved playing with fire, loved snowboarding, loved cars, loved seafood, and loved turning every moment into a funny one. He was the bridge in our blended family. Cody was our connection to each other. Bryan's children didn't mesh that well with us initially. We were raised so different and like I mentioned - we were an all girl family.Cody befriended each of us. If you ask any of my mom's seven daughters, we could all tell you about our sweet relationship with Cody. He had a soft disposition. He wasn't loud, pushy, or arrogant. He was the opposite; quiet, submissive, and humble.

His biological mom had abandoned him when he was 2 years old. I remember one time my mom asked him, "Cody do you ever think about your mom?" he said, "You are my mom." I remember it made her cry. My mom loved Cody like a son. We weren't a perfect family tree. My friend Nicci described us "more like a family bush with stuff taped everywhere."

Cody and bryan's step sons had experimented with drugs before we ever knew them. I remember when our parents were dating and they showed me some drugs they had. I had several long talks with Cody. He wanted so bad to get away from that lifestyle. It had been a part of his life since a young boy. He had big dreams and plans for the future and he knew that drugs wouldn't take him to accomplish those dreams. 

After the first couple years of blending our families, we headed into what I will always remember as our golden years. We had a wonderful ward. Our bishop was young, happy, and inspiring. The YM and YW leaders were handpicked by our Heavenly Father to help with the 12 crazy kids in our family. They planned way fun activities, they magnified their calling, and there was a leader for each of us. That group of YW and YM fit so well together. I remember at one girls camp thinking there are no divisions among us... how amazing! We all made lifelong friends. Cody's best friend was Jake.

Our ward was mostly young couples. My mom and Bryan were old timers in the ward. Most of the couples were in their twenties and early 30's. This was just what my siblings and I needed. We looked up to these young couples and their righteous families. I could go on and on about this time because I remember it with such fondness, but I'll try to stay focused on Cody for the purpose of the post. 

In that ward Cody experienced repentance and healing. I remember one time we took a long walk down to my aunt Shawna's house. The whole way there Cody and I talked about Christ and his second coming. Cody bore his testimony to me, in his own way, and told me how he wanted to serve a mission. I remember when Cody received the priesthood he blessed the sacrament just about every week. (our ward had WAY more YW than YM). Not many people knew this about Cody, but he had a severe learning disability. So every week he usually had to repeat the sacrament prayer at least once. Our ward was so loving and patient towards Cody. Everyone loved him. 

Then life happened. EVERYTHING CHANGED. Our ward split. My only best friend, who was still in my ward after the split, moved away. My sister charlie moved in with my grandma for a while. Most of my siblings and I were now nestled in High School. One by one my older siblings started having serious struggles.

I remember finding Cody with drugs again. My heart ached so bad. I remember finding them in the toilet after he had showered. They didn't flush down. So I quickly stood in the door way with my arms outstretched so no one could get in and yelled for our parents. Cody tried to get past me but my mom was already there. He flushed the toilet, but we already saw it. I remember the cops came and interrogated Cody. He felt like I betrayed him, but I loved him. Before the cops came I remember I was crying and I said, "CODY YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T DO DRUGS EVER AGAIN!" He said, "paige the worst mistake you've ever made is forgetting to brush your teeth. THis is who I am. I can't change." I remember sitting at the bottom of the stairs sobbing quietly while hearing Cody get yelled at by the cop. 

I kept doing my sisterly duty for a few years: tattling, trying to convince, praying for them, having hope, and having childlike faith. Heavenly Father would fix my siblings right? He had to. I was praying for Him to.

How wrong I was...

Agency is a very painful thing at times. 

High School continued. We found ourselves in very different groups of friends. I remember being choir president when one of my other siblings who was struggling with drugs got transferred into the class. She's my older sister. I remember the class not believing that we were sisters. I remember talking with seminary teachers about my siblings. I felt an overwhelming duty to save them. We all had experienced such a rough childhood. We all were coping with it so differently. I turned to the gospel for peace and they turned to worldly things. I don't blame them. I don't judge them. I know that only Christ knows exactly how they feel. Only Christ knows how to heal them.

As time went on, I found that I offered less sincere prayers. I didn't realize that I was losing trust in Heavenly Father. I felt like my prayers weren't being answered so I stopped praying about the things that really mattered to me. I was so hurt watching my siblings struggle so I just let it go... or so I thought. I graduated high school and started dating, went to BYU-Idaho, came home, moved out on my own with my sister Charlie, and moved on with my life. I would see Cody and my other siblings at family gatherings and I would be superficial with them. It was how I coped. I constantly had an internal battle about what to do about their latest troubles. 

Cody's eyes got darker, but I knew better. He was so deeply hurt. I wondered if he would ever be healed in this life. 

April 7, 2010 was Cody's 22 birthday. That night a friend I had dated off and on (now my husband :D) came to my mom's house and helped us make Cody some cupcakes for his birthday. We made them and drove to were Cody was living. I remember on the drive over there telling Caleb how worried about Cody I was. When Cody came to the door he just wasn't himself. He wouldn't look me in the face and his body language said he just wanted to be left alone. I told him Happy Birthday, gave him the cupcakes and watched him shut the door. 

I had no idea that would be the last time I got to see Cody in this life.

Between April and June, somehow Cody and I missed each other at family gatherings. I don't think he came to many of them. June 8 was a Tuesday that year. After work I stopped at my mom's house. She told me how her and Bryan had spent all day trying to find Cody a job. They said he got a DUI and was really struggling. They updated me on all my other siblings, most of which seemed to also be having a hard time. Then my mom said, "But, Bryan and I just keep saying that at least we haven't lost any of our children..."

I remember a couple weeks before Cody died I text him and told him that I'm always here for him if he needed me. He text back, "Thanks, I love you too"

Then I checked being a good sister off my list and moved on.

June 11, 2010: I just finished a date with a boy I was dating at the time. Charlie was wrapping up a date with, her now husband, Trevor. It was about 11 pm. My phone rang. It was my mom. I thought I'd just call her back when my date left.

It rang again. 

I answered. (there is a huge pit in my stomach typing this and my hands are shaking...) My mom sobbing said, "CODY IS DEAD! PLEASE COME HOME!!" I said, "what? mom what do you mean? What happened?" She said he had been shot. I don't remember what else was said, I went into hysteria and shock. I ran out to charlie in our living room and yelled the news to her. I then grabbed my keys and ran outside to drive to my moms. I remember I was half way out the drive way when my date opened my door and put my car into park and took the keys. He said I was too upset to drive and that I needed to come inside and calm down. I begged him to just take me. He said he needed to get home but that I could drive once I calmed down. (probably why this guy wasn't for me...) 

Charlie and Trevor ran outside to see the commotion. I was dry heaving. I was screaming. I was sobbing. I just remember I had no control over myself. I had never experienced such pain.

Finally, he agreed to drive me once he realized that I wasnt going to just "calm down". I knew I needed to get to my parents. 

I remember on the drive over there, a sudden peace came over me. Only something from Heaven could envelope me like that. My heart slowed. I can't even explain it. My TWO older brothers were with me. (My Savior and Cody.)

I remember pulling up to my mom's house and running inside. My sweet little sisters sat on the floor crying. My aunt shawna and uncle brady were there. I grabbed onto my little sisters and held them close. I said, "where are mom and Bryan?!" They said in their room. I hurried down the hall and opened their door. Never in my life have I seen such a physical display of emotion. I will not go into too much detail. My parents deserve their privacy while experiencing the grief that I believe only a parent can experience.

I did my best to comfort them. Bryan especially. He raised Cody on his own for so many years. It was his only biological son. Out of the 12 children, only two were his biologically. A boy and a girl. Now his son, his sweet son, who looked just like him and was his clone in every way, was gone. 

That night was so long. So painful. Never again do I want to experience that night again. My poor parents were alone when the cops came to give the news. The cousin who found Cody had to go to the hospital to be treated for shock. One by one most of my siblings gathered at my parents house. With wet eyes we sat in a circle and tried to think of good things about Cody. I remember the bishop came over. He said to us, "You will be tempted to open doors to place blame; Open doors to find answers. Close those doors. Those doors will only lead to hate and won't help you find healing. Close those doors."

That was the best advice I've ever been given by anyone. CLOSE THOSE DOORS. 

The following days of planning his funeral and burying him were beyond painful. I remember the night of the viewing I had left something inside the mortuary after everyone left and I ran back inside to get it. I saw Bryan standing over Cody's casket. He kissed it and said, "Goodnight son. This is the last time I get to say goodnight."

I sobbed... and sobbed. 

What I didn't expect in the coming days and weeks was the overwhelming guilt that I felt. How could I just go on with my life and not have helped Cody? Why was I not in tune with the spirit that night? How come I didn't have a prompting to go save him? Why did he not even cross my mind that night? How could I be so selfish? How did I not know he was hurting so bad? How did I not see this coming?

To be honest, those feelings haven't stopped. If I had a dollar for every day I cried on my way to work or school. It seems that crying in car rides has been the norm.  I guess we've slowed down talking about Cody. Suicide is so different from other deaths. This is something I have learned - no two deaths are the same.

The week before graduation I spent a lot of time pondering about the last 5 years. I couldn't help but think of the semester I failed every single class. It was the semester after Cody died and during that semester Brynlee died. I beat my self up so much for the next year. One day it hit me: I had experienced such tremendous grief losing Cody and then Brynlee. I was in survival mode. I had no ability to focus on school. I could barely keep my job and stay sane.

Sometimes we are too harsh on ourselves.

So there it is. Me finally talking about this "thing" that happened in my family. I am sure there will be more posts to come. The important thing is I do believe more healing will come. I know Cody is just fine. We are the ones hurting now,  ya know?

I had not cried in a while about Cody until pondering on my way to school a few weeks ago. I wish he was here to lead the family in fun activities. The nieces and nephews need an uncle to wrestle with.  And most of all for sweet Bryan who needs his son around.

My favorite memory of Cody was snowboarding. It was my first time. We were going up the lift and he started shaking us. I started crying. ha ha. Cody stopped and said sorry. then when we got to the top he said, "See ya at the bottom!" I said, "you said you were going to teach me! Not leave me!" He said, "this is how you learn. You'll be fine. See ya in a bit!"

I was fine. Yes I wanted him to stay with me the whole way down because I was scared, but I was fine. And I did see him at the end.

He's gone now.
He can't hold our hands till the end of this life. And he's right- this is how we learn. It will be scary,  but we'll be fine. He'll be waiting at the end.

God be with you till we meet again Cody. We love you!