Sleepless Knight

Tonight is a night that I just can't sleep. A favorite quote of mine is, "If you can't sleep. Don't count sheep. Talk to the shepherd."
My mind is racing so fast I just want to slow it down. I figured Blogging might help. 

Have you ever known someone, but not in a way that their family would know you- just in a way that you know they'd know you? Well there is a guy I knew from youth activities in my stake in Clinton and I attended the singles ward with him. I always thought he was the nicest guy and I remember sincerely thinking he was a very genuine guy with a pure heart. I always got good vibes around him. I never gave much thought to him except when I saw him I remember having good feelings towards him. I don't know his family. I don't know his story. I just know his face and his kindness. His name is Layne Hendricks. He passed away on Thursday and my heart is aching for his family.
Losing a loved one is so awful.There have been so any deaths lately.

When I hear music that I listened to around the time my brother Cody died or when Brynlee died, it tears me apart. I was in Seagull Book the other day. While walking around the store a song came on. Immediately my heart ached. I said to Caleb, "I listened to this on the way to Cody's burial."
Gosh... I almost two years later and it still hurts.

Tonight after I heard about Layne my heart hurt. I started to cry and felt afraid.
I have so many questions for my Father in Heaven.
I know He'll answer them one by one... Some day.
For now, I'll trust Him. President Eyring said that apart of trusting Him is trusting His timetable.

I can do that. I know I can because my Savior keeps His promises.

The other day when I was reminded of a painful family situation, I was crying as I was talking to my sweet husband. He said to me, "God doesn't always take away our trials, but I know that he makes us strong enough to handle them." Caleb is so good to me.
I look at him and hope that someday he'll know the prince charming he is in my life.

I know he is right.

Losing loved ones is NEVER easy. That is definitely a trial that Heavenly Father and our Savior don't take away. But they do strengthen, comfort, and lift us so we can bear it. 

The thing that has happened to me since losing Cody and Brynlee is I am so worried that I'm going to lose someone else.
That in just a second, my whole world is going to stop again.

The other day we were at Caleb's grandparents house. I went through their old back door to their garage to get Caleb to come eat dinner. He said okay and I went to go inside the house. I stopped and leaned up against the door way to watch Caleb. He had his back towards me and was looking at their yard. I watched him and thought, "One day I will think of this moment- watching the Love of my life, just feet from me, and I'll wish I was this close again. I hope I NEVER take for granted having him so close that I can touch him and be in his strong comforting arms."

I had tears come to my eyes and he turned around and smiled. Its the craziest feeling to love someone this much. He teaches me every day about love.