Ouches

I'm at home (LOVE when I have the whole evening to get stuff done) My C man is currently at Lab for anatomy. He is so smart. I love watching him study, wake up early, and just work hard. He inspires me. I knew he'd be the best husband, and he is!

 Days like today are hard. It is Payten Kay and Raygen Ann's 9th birthday. (they are the twins) I haven't seen them since February 2010

I remember when my Dad and my Step mom told Charlie and I that they were pregnant with twins. I was so excited.
I was at their house when Kasey went into labor. Taylor begged me to stay with her and go to grandma Jo Jo's while Kasey went to the hospital.
I don't remember why I didn't. All I know is that Kasey was probably annoyed with all the calls she got from me over the next 24 hours asking if the twins were here!
 

I don't think I've ever told Taylor, but out of all my sisters, I've always felt her and I are most alike.
I guess there is this side of us that others see and who they think we are, then there is who we think we are. I think there are very few people who see me the way I see myself.
"We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are what we think others think we are." ;)  I've always seen myself in her. We have similar fears and concerns. Our feelings get hurt by similar things. We seek love in similar ways, and we enjoy similar things. Maybe its all in my head. Also, out of all my dad's girls I remember playing with Taylor the most. Poor tay, she would go along with all my singing stuff when we were little. One of my favorite memories is turning on Hilary duff and staging a whole performance to one of her songs. I rarely EVER found anyone to play with me that long. I was a perfectionist (although I was like 11) and I wanted the performance to be perfect. I wanted to practice and practice. Taylor stayed with me and did it OVER and OVER. I still owe her for that..

All I know is that I love each of these girls in the picture. I've always admired Kayla. She's the one that others think I'm alike, but she's better. My family thinks I'm so independent and driven, but I'm not. I work daily on pushing myself and I hate being alone. Kayla just has something inside of her that everyone admires. She is persistent and diligent. I have NEVER seen anyone as young as her who works as hard.

I love Hayley. I think the thing with Hayley is that just when you think you get her, you realize you are so wrong. She has a lot of layers to her. You know those people who are so beautiful and have no idea? That's Hayley. Its refreshing to be around, but you wish you could tell her how wonderful of a person she really is... and that she'll believe you. 

I pray every day that I can continue to forgive and heal from the past. I've come a long way. Most of the time I'm just sad when I think of the girls, other times I get angry. When I get angry I remind myself of the Savior. The last 6 months I have been studying the new testament. Christ endured so much heart ache of His own... then He felt mine. I know He knows how I feel. I know that he is real and that all things will be restored to those who follow Him. I also know that He says to forgive others their debts. In my eyes, my Dad owes me. He owes me a childhood back with a Father who is involved. He owes me countless nights when I needed a listening ear. He owes me the good example of a disciple of Christ. He owes me the SEVERAL birthdays that I never even got a simple "Happy Birthday" phone call. He owes me having a Dad on my wedding day. He owes me looking out into the auditorium while a lead in the school play and seeing my father- Proud of me. He owes me more than this blog could ever tell.   But I know that this blog could NEVER tell all the things that I owe God. For that reason... I forgive.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I know that I relate to others in a way that is only possible because of what I experienced. A few months ago I allergy tested a little boy. He was a gorgeous little boy - dark hair and BIG green eyes. I started asking him questions about what he likes to do. He said fishing. I said, "Does your dad take you fishing?" He looked at his mom and was silent. His mom calmly said, "His dad is missing out, huh bud?" I shouldn't have, but I asked, "does he live far away?" Then the mom said that the dad lived 15 minutes away, but he didn't care to see the little boy. By now the boy had teary eyes. I looked at him and said, "your mom is right! Your dad is missing out! You are an amazing boy and there are so many fathers who would love to have a son like you!" He perked up and we kept talking. I told him that NOTHING was wrong with him. Something is wrong with parents who quit. I don't care what problems the child has. You don't love someone because they did anything for you. You love someone because you serve them. When they left, the mom told me thank you and that her son needed to hear that. I know that I can only help others and talk to them because I've felt that pain. If my trials help me lift another, I'll gladly endure them!

Snow, Doughnuts, and Facebook

So I was listening to a lecture for my nutrition class and there was an interesting thought.
The professor said the quote we've all heard, "No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible." I thought gee... how's is she going to relate this one. Then she said, "In other words, no doughnut ever feels responsible for obesity." Wow... how profound. I'm feeling mighty guilty for all the food I ate over the holidays. I'm going to go a step further and relate this to my life, "no single log in to facebook is responsible for my bad grades."
My goal this semester is to spend WAY less time online. This blog I will update once in a while so that it counts as a journal and a way to share pictures, but I'm greatly decreasing the amount of time I spend online. I don't have horrible grades, but I could do better. I'm a busy person in general. I have a full time job, full time school, a husband, and I like to get 8 hours of sleep. Online is not stealing my time away anymore! I will choose where I am going in life by how I spend my time. And lets be honest, what do we get from reading everyone else's statuses on facebook daily? Have we read daily what God has said?  I haven't got on facebook that much lately because we haven't had internet and I'm grateful. I got back on and realized that there are so many people who have to spend hours a day on there. I felt bad for them. Life is meant to be lived live... not from behind a computer screen. Not having internet woke me up. Caleb and I would play games with each other, talk, cook, or read scriptures instead of hopping online - what a blessing it was to not have internet! We're getting it again soon, but my goal is to stay off much less. I know that Heavenly Father will help me achieve my goals that make me better and help me be closer to Him. :D

My Love

Caleb and I had our date night Saturday evening. We went to the Logan temple. I remember the day we got married the sealer said to Caleb to keep taking me to the temple and that each time he did, he was telling me he still wanted me forever. Caleb has been insistent that we frequently attend the temple. ;) I love that boy! We went to the temple twice in August, three times in September, once in November, and now once in December. Our goal is to continue to attend at least once a month together. Whenever he reminds me that we should go to the temple, i just remember our wedding day and what Caleb was told. I love him so much.

I never could have imagined loving someone as much as I do him. I know that if my little beehive self could have seen the life I have now with my sweetheart, I would have thought it was heaven! I married the best man I know and the man I know the most! Every day his character strengthens mine. He is a hard worker. He doesn't quit when he's tired. He quits when he is done. He is a quiet example to me of what I should be doing. He never talks down to me when reminding me or encouraging me to do something. He is very intelligent and could easily make others or myself feel stupid for not knowing all the things he knows or not being good at all the things he is good at... but he doesn't. One of the very first things I loved about Caleb was how he explained things to me. I am a very inquisitive person. Usually, when someone is talking, if they mention something I am unfamiliar with I will ask them what they mean or what is that they are talking about. I have been the center of many public humiliations (ask my sophomore girls choir class). When I ask Caleb, he doesn't laugh at me, he doesn't ask "you didn't know that?!" He just kindly explains. I watch him with children and he is the same way. Our land lord has 4 beautiful children. The younger three come downstairs and play with Caleb and I a lot. I don't think he realizes how much I watch him. I watched him as he taught them how to play a few of the games we have. He didn't just let them win on purpose or let mistakes go, but he was fun, kind, and loving about teaching them. Eventually, the kids got good enough that they could win. I look up to him. I never remember playing with my dad any game. I never remember him teaching me or talking to me the way Caleb did with those children.

I have overwhelming gratitude for Caleb's mom and dad. I know they are in large part the reason Caleb is the honest, upright, kind, man that he is. I will forever honor them as the wonderful parents they were."A man who treats his woman like a princess, is proof he was raised by a queen" LOVE THAT QUOTE. That is so him.

Harsh lessons to learn

I've decided that there are many of life's truths which are pretty harsh. 

Yet, whether I ignore these facts or not, will not change that they exist.

Occasionally, I will learn a lesson that is VERY difficult for me to accept. (the not wanted to accept it makes it even more difficult to learn.) But, farther down the road, after accepting it, I realize that it was not so harsh after all. It was a blessing and a tender mercy. Then I tell myself, "Why do I always let Satan make me think that truths are sad, when really they are wonderful?"

Anyway, I thought I'd share a some of those things that I have realized.  (some of them are obvious and you hear them all the time... but like I said, I'm a slow learner sometimes!)

• Generally, God will not answer your prayer by taking you out of your own personal dark abyss. He will make you stronger so that you can endure it well.
• We get two Dad's- Heavenly Father and our Earthly Father. It is a BONUS if the later is a great dad. Otherwise, oh well. The former is the best Dad anyone could ever have anyway.
• Sometimes...
  -People you hope and pray will be who you think they are WILL disappoint you.
  -Promises others make to you WILL be broken
  -"friends"  will do things that hurt you, "family" will too!
  "All these things shall give thee experience and be for thy good" Doctrine and Covenants 122:7
  These disappointing experiences have made things so much sweeter when someone has not disappointed me, kept a promise they made, or are a TRUE friend.
• Being silent while something wrong is happening does NOT make that thing right. But, it does make you weak and definitely doesn't do any favors for those you are scared of offending. 
• NOT EVERYONE WILL LIKE YOU. It is okay. Trying to please everyone will not get you very far. Someone will always hate you. Its better to be hated for doing good than loved for doing evil. Christ was perfect and yet hated by many. Join His club, be on His team, He will never leave you. 
• Being positive, kind, and honest will rarely ever be popular. Miserable people will hate you for trying to have any of those qualities. They will belittle you, gossip about you, and envy you. Misery loves company. You can join them or be loyal to the royal within. The choice will always be yours. 
• Heavenly Father will let the righteous lose some battles, but they will win the war. It is essential that some battles are lost. That is where the valiant are set apart and we are forced to choose what is right and not what is easy.
• Not going to Heavenly Father about your personal concerns and worries because of fear your questions and prayers won't be answered is summed up in this quote: "We miss 100% of the shots we never take." This scripture says this quote very well also -  Therefore, ask and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you; for he tht asketh receiveth; and unto him that knocketh, it shall be opened. 3 Nephi 27:29 

I know I still have so much to learn, and I'm sure a few of you reading this know what I mean now about being a slow learner. ;) I'm just grateful for my Heavenly Father, My Savior, and my husband. I feel so bad for people who do not know God and have a personal relationship with Him. He is the most loving, forgiving, happy, and funny person that anyone could ever know. He does more things with my life than I ever could on my own.