Ouches

I'm at home (LOVE when I have the whole evening to get stuff done) My C man is currently at Lab for anatomy. He is so smart. I love watching him study, wake up early, and just work hard. He inspires me. I knew he'd be the best husband, and he is!

 Days like today are hard. It is Payten Kay and Raygen Ann's 9th birthday. (they are the twins) I haven't seen them since February 2010

I remember when my Dad and my Step mom told Charlie and I that they were pregnant with twins. I was so excited.
I was at their house when Kasey went into labor. Taylor begged me to stay with her and go to grandma Jo Jo's while Kasey went to the hospital.
I don't remember why I didn't. All I know is that Kasey was probably annoyed with all the calls she got from me over the next 24 hours asking if the twins were here!
 

I don't think I've ever told Taylor, but out of all my sisters, I've always felt her and I are most alike.
I guess there is this side of us that others see and who they think we are, then there is who we think we are. I think there are very few people who see me the way I see myself.
"We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are what we think others think we are." ;)  I've always seen myself in her. We have similar fears and concerns. Our feelings get hurt by similar things. We seek love in similar ways, and we enjoy similar things. Maybe its all in my head. Also, out of all my dad's girls I remember playing with Taylor the most. Poor tay, she would go along with all my singing stuff when we were little. One of my favorite memories is turning on Hilary duff and staging a whole performance to one of her songs. I rarely EVER found anyone to play with me that long. I was a perfectionist (although I was like 11) and I wanted the performance to be perfect. I wanted to practice and practice. Taylor stayed with me and did it OVER and OVER. I still owe her for that..

All I know is that I love each of these girls in the picture. I've always admired Kayla. She's the one that others think I'm alike, but she's better. My family thinks I'm so independent and driven, but I'm not. I work daily on pushing myself and I hate being alone. Kayla just has something inside of her that everyone admires. She is persistent and diligent. I have NEVER seen anyone as young as her who works as hard.

I love Hayley. I think the thing with Hayley is that just when you think you get her, you realize you are so wrong. She has a lot of layers to her. You know those people who are so beautiful and have no idea? That's Hayley. Its refreshing to be around, but you wish you could tell her how wonderful of a person she really is... and that she'll believe you. 

I pray every day that I can continue to forgive and heal from the past. I've come a long way. Most of the time I'm just sad when I think of the girls, other times I get angry. When I get angry I remind myself of the Savior. The last 6 months I have been studying the new testament. Christ endured so much heart ache of His own... then He felt mine. I know He knows how I feel. I know that he is real and that all things will be restored to those who follow Him. I also know that He says to forgive others their debts. In my eyes, my Dad owes me. He owes me a childhood back with a Father who is involved. He owes me countless nights when I needed a listening ear. He owes me the good example of a disciple of Christ. He owes me the SEVERAL birthdays that I never even got a simple "Happy Birthday" phone call. He owes me having a Dad on my wedding day. He owes me looking out into the auditorium while a lead in the school play and seeing my father- Proud of me. He owes me more than this blog could ever tell.   But I know that this blog could NEVER tell all the things that I owe God. For that reason... I forgive.

I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I know that I relate to others in a way that is only possible because of what I experienced. A few months ago I allergy tested a little boy. He was a gorgeous little boy - dark hair and BIG green eyes. I started asking him questions about what he likes to do. He said fishing. I said, "Does your dad take you fishing?" He looked at his mom and was silent. His mom calmly said, "His dad is missing out, huh bud?" I shouldn't have, but I asked, "does he live far away?" Then the mom said that the dad lived 15 minutes away, but he didn't care to see the little boy. By now the boy had teary eyes. I looked at him and said, "your mom is right! Your dad is missing out! You are an amazing boy and there are so many fathers who would love to have a son like you!" He perked up and we kept talking. I told him that NOTHING was wrong with him. Something is wrong with parents who quit. I don't care what problems the child has. You don't love someone because they did anything for you. You love someone because you serve them. When they left, the mom told me thank you and that her son needed to hear that. I know that I can only help others and talk to them because I've felt that pain. If my trials help me lift another, I'll gladly endure them!