The beautiful thing about women, pregnancy, and birth is our differences. We have different past experiences that we bring. We have COMPLETELY different pregnancies. It only makes sense that we would have very unique birth experiences. I did what was best for me and I hope you could say that about your choices. Bringing a sweet spirit into the world and the process of giving that sweet spirit a body- is beautiful no matter how you choose to go through that process.
The birth of our sweet son was ironic. I had everything planned for months of how my perfect delivery would go. Well I believe that was suppose to be my wake up call to motherhood; it will hardly ever go my way! To completely tell this story I must back up and give you the prelude.
Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted a lot of kids. I would tell Caleb (and other boys I dated) that I wanted 12 kids. I did this so I could see their response to a big family, although I realized that 12 was no where near realistic. My understanding of childbirth evolved as I pursued my degree in the health sciences at Weber State and I knew of other women's birth stories. A good friend of mine delivered 4 of her children natural. (I thought she was insane when I first learned that about her! ha ha). Then while doing some of my own research I started to learn why some women were "crazy" enough to want to endure child labor without an epidural and with as few interventions as possible.
There were many reasons why I felt that natural childbirth was right for me, but among the top reasons were that I REALLY did not want to end up needing a Cesarean. I also was at peace with it. I work in the medical field, my chosen path of study is the medical field, and I believe modern medicine is a gift from a loving God. I always knew I wanted to deliver in a hospital in case anything went wrong, but I believed my body could do it; that I could do it!
I began preparing.
I did as much research as I could during my pregnancy. I spent long hours reading personal experiences, reviewing studies, praying, pondering, and practicing. Caleb and I practiced breathing techniques, relaxation, and mental imagery of my birth.
On Friday August 23 I woke up early in the morning with strong contractions that finally made it to 5-7 minutes apart. I thought this was it so I called my work and told them I wouldn't make it in and Caleb and I maintained close contact. Ever since I was 36 weeks It was so fun to call family and friends. They would quickly answer their phones waiting for me to tell the exciting news. Since I didnt deliver till almost 41 weeks... It was quite the disappointing phone call each time. ha ha.
After a few hours my contractions spaced further apart and I realized it was not labor. Then the same thing happened Saturday morning. Saturday evening we were totally and completely out of food at our house. I had been bad about grocery shopping because, well lets be honest, I was nine months pregnant! I didn't want to have all this food in our fridge go bad and I was hoping I'd go into labor sooner rather than later.
We finally decided we needed to go get groceries and Saturday night we went shopping. While shopping I started to get contractions that were painful. We went home about 10 pm and I started keeping track of them while Caleb put the groceries away. We went to bed and I couldn't sleep because I was counting them. I had crazy emotions. I knew this was it. As I sat there in bed I felt so unprepared for motherhood. I wanted to give this little boy the best and I prayed that Heavenly Father would comfort me and help me.
Around 4 am I said, "Caleb we have to go to the hospital. My contractions are 5 minutes apart and have been for several hours." I tried to shower and get ready, taking a moment to breath with each contraction. Caleb jumped up and got us ready to go. He is seriously the best husband.
We got to the hospital. Lets be honest... I looked VERY pregnant. So it cracked me up that when you're checking into labor and delivery they say, "What's going on?"
I wanted to say, "Um I don't know. I have heart burn. Can you tell me why?" ha ha
I understand why they asked but it still was funny.
After checking in they took me back to triage. I was only dilated to a 3! They monitored us for a while and told us to walk around. I wanted to go home. Its much more comfortable to labor at home. After an hour they checked me again. I hadn't progressed. The nurse said, "I cant see them sending you home. You're overdue and you're obviously in labor." Then she asked if I was wanting an epidural. I said, "No."
She said, "Well if that is really what you want, I would suggest going home."
I agreed and the doctor on call agreed. So off we went.
My good friend who delivered hers natural came over to help me labor while Caleb got some sleep. I labored for 12 more hours at home. I took a warm bath, we walked around the block, and I did the yoga ball. Basically whatever I felt like doing. The nurse told me to come back later when the contractions got even closer together. Around 5 pm we made the trek back to the hospital.
Because of being in the world of labor and managing each contraction, time seemed to not apply. I cant explain it but time didn't go fast or slow, I just didn't think about how long it had been.
After checking in again to Labor and delivery they took me to triage again. I thought I'd be to a 7 or an 8. When she said a 3 1/2 I about died. I had been in labor for 20 hours at this point. They then told me to pace around labor and delivery for 2 hours. This my only complaint. I didn't like that they were telling me what to do like that. It made me feel like I was on some sports team and my coach was punishing me for something. I hadn't slept in over 30 hours and was completely exhausted. I wish I would have just asked to be put in a room to have privacy while I labored. Oh well, hind sight is 20/20. Now I know for next time. It was Sunday evening and no one was in the hospital so I asked if I could pace around outside labor and delivery. They said yes and had me check in every hour. I paced for a while then I just found a chair out there and sat down.
I was scared. My friend went home. Caleb didn't know how to help me. I felt like my friends and family wouldn't be supportive of my choice of labor. And I felt very alone. I said a silent prayer and asked for Heavenly Father's help. I can't explain it. I knew he could help me. I had the greatest physician in the Universe with me... and he was my loving Father in Heaven. That was a very empowering feeling.
After an hour I went back to triage to be checked. I hadn't progressed at all. The nurse told me to walk again and I told her I wanted to stay there for a bit. Thank Heaven's I did. They were thinking they would send me home again in an hour, but while I was sitting there, Lincolns heart beat dropped low once. The nurse quickly came in. Lincoln's heart was normal again. She wasn't sure if the monitor was getting my heart beat or his but that one second where it dropped made her worried. She said she'd like us to stay.
That nurse was SO good. She said, "I understand you want to go natural. I will only tell you this once and none of us will mention it again. At anytime if you're done, let us know. No questions will be asked. We will move you from the natural birthing suites and get you situated in a room for mothers receiving an epidural. Otherwise, we will support you and help you in the natural birthing suite." And they didn't mention it again!
I then labored from about 7 pm - 3 am. I loved the set up. They had cordless monitors, a jacuzzi that honestly cut my pain in half, and Caleb went and got my yoga ball. (Which funny story - while he was carrying it into labor and delivery a security guard said, "Um the beach is that way -->" ha ha) While in the natural birthing suite I felt comforted by Heavenly parents and a sweet experience where I knew how loved Lincoln was by our Savior and Heavenly Parents. Finally the nurse came in and detecting my fatigue she said, "We have got to do some intervention." I had been in labor for 30 hours and awake for 42+ hours. She checked me again and I had not progressed. I felt so confused and overwhelmed. I started crying and Caleb just held me. I asked for more time. She said she'd give me an hour and if nothing has progressed, they would have to give me something to get things going. I knew she was right. I was getting extremely exhausted and I didn't know how much longer I could labor.
She gave me another hour and a half and I said, "If I'm going to get pitocin, I'm going to get the epidural." They got me situated in a new room and called the anesthesiologist. I felt so sad. This was not what I wanted. I hated that I was so worn out. I just had nothing left in me. I felt like I had quit. The epidural hurt 10x worse than any contraction! It was horrible. A schoolmate has since explained to me why women who labor naturally for a long time have such a painful epidural. I don't remember the science behind it, but trust me- it was horrible. I screamed. I cried and then almost immediately I fell asleep.
10 minutes after falling asleep I woke up with a room full of people. The main nurse who had been with me in triage the night before was leading the team. She was putting oxygen on me. One nurse was shutting off the pit. Two nurses were breaking my water and placing a monitor on his head, two nurses were almost yelling, "belly all the way down!" and turning me to the side. Once to that side they quickly told me to do the same on the other side and they would roll me. When they turned me to my right I looked at the monitor and saw that his heart rate was really low. I saw Caleb's face. I said, "IS HE OKAY!??" The head nurse said, "He is not liking the contractions." I heard the nurses talking to each other about calling the doctor on call (my doctor was out of town) to come in for a C-section. Then a nurse came in, pulled up my gown, and gave me a shot right into my stomach to immediately stop labor. I have never been so scared in my life. I thought, "I'm going to lose him. I'm going to lose him like Jacklyn lost Brynlee." I found myself begging Heavenly Father to help.
After a minute Caleb and I breathed sighs of relief as we saw his heart rate return to normal. I was so fatigued I was falling asleep while talking to Caleb. Caleb called his parents so his Dad could assist in giving me a blessing. He called my mom and charlie to come. Shortly after they all arrived and Caleb gave me a beautiful blessing. I felt comforted that they were there but I was still worried. I watched the monitor as contractions returned. With each one, his heart rate would drop. Around 8 am they said they wanted to start Pit again. Caleb and I didn't want them too, but they assured us that sometimes babies don't tolerate it and then they will later. After starting pitocin again Lincolns heart rate dropped dramatically and upon checking me, she said Lincoln had had a bowel movement. The nurse announced, "it looks like a C-section..." I think they already knew that, but were letting me come to terms with it, because the doctor was there ready to go.
Caleb started to sob. I said, "Stop it! You cant do that to me. Be strong for me. I can't handle it without you." He held back his tears and comforted me. They quickly prepared me and sent us in the OR.
I started to not feel well. I had the thought that the Epidural was going up my spine. I expressed concern to the anesthesiologist who finally grabbed my face and said, "Your O2 is 100%! It cant get any better than that!" Soon after cutting into me I heard them say they could see him. The Doctors did one final big push on my stomach and I could just about feel him pop out. I heard the nurse mention the umbilical cord. (they later explained that it was wrapped twice around his neck tight!) I heard his cry for the first time. That will always be the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. The doctor held him up for me to see. Caleb said, "he looks like you!" (That's the last time caleb has said that...ha ha) Caleb asked if he could go with him to check him out and clean him up. I said OF COURSE! Caleb left and I just sobbed. I didn't feel right. I was dozing off throughout the whole thing. I knew I was extremely exhausted. I had been in labor for 37 hours!
I started expressing concern over how I was feeling. I cant explain it. I thought I was going to die. I literally thought, "i'm going to die and Caleb is going to raise Lincoln without me." I saw concern in my nurse's face. They got me to recovery where I remember throwing up and being terrified. I felt like my spirit was leaving my body. A tender mercy- after I had the thought that I really was going to die, my nurse held my face and said, "I am not going to let you die!" I couldn't feel anything on my chest or below. They thought I might be having heart problems so a ICU doctor came in, they checked for heart enzymes, I got chest X-rays, and I don't remember but Charlie said I just wasn't myself. When Caleb brought Lincoln in to meet me for the first time, they said I didn't want him and I asked everyone to stay back. Really weird. I was going in an out of consciousness while they were trying to talk to me. When I'd fall asleep my monitor went off. I wouldn't breath unless I consciously thought about it. It was absolutely terrifying. I heard the nurse tell my family, "She is in shock." Finally, Caleb came and stood next to me with sweet Lincoln. He put his face next to mine. I had the most peaceful feeling come over me. I started to cry. My sweet baby saved me and calmed me down.
(Caleb watching as their helping me in recovery)
After I was myself again, everyone enjoyed this new bundle of happiness!
Welcome sweet baby Lincoln. I hope you know how loved you are!
