Today

Today has been a pretty emotional day for me. In fact its been an emotional week.
For quite some time now I have been wondering what to make of all the trials that are thrown at me.

I'm learning... still learning. I'm trying to figure out what Heavenly Father wants me to do and become.

Today is a day to recover. Today is a day to cry, laugh, read things that inspire, ponder, think, not think, dream, enjoy warm tomato juice, elbow macaroni, with freshly grated cheddar cheese.

Caleb is at work today and we got all of our weekend chores done yesterday, so I don't feel too bad.

I love going through people's quotes on pinterest when I need some pick-me-ups.  I found this quote and it describes perfectly how I feel about my trials and Caleb's love. 

 

This boy knows just what to say to calm me down and help me when I feel like I've been emotionally punched in the stomach. 

The last few years have given me a deeper understanding of how our Savior and Heavenly Father feel when we openly rebel and turn from them. When I see those I love choose paths that are harmful to their sweet spirits, my heart aches. I'm reminded of Mosiah and Alma as they, and their dear companions, mourned and earnestly prayed that their sons would repent and change. (Mosiah 27:14)

I don't know if I am one of little faith or what, but I don't see a Heavenly messenger appearing to my loved ones any time soon. 

I am consistently caught between staying sane and helping and reaching out to them. Finding this balance is more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

This morning as a spoke with Caleb he reminded me, "everything is going to be okay."

While sitting in my room alone I thought, "Is it really? How does he know that?"

Then the thought came that I know he is right and I know it because God keeps his promises. 

What promises? 

Doctrine and Covenants 14:7 "And if you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God."

3 Nephi 12:3 "Yea, blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

I found these promised by just randomly opening the scriptures. I would challenge you to find MANY many more

Whenever I feel the way I do today and I just need to be reminded of the Love of God I turn to my FAVORITE chapter of scripture.

3 Nephi 17. In this scripture Christ is visiting the Americas following his death and resurrection. I cannot read these verses without feeling overcome with gratitude for His love. 

 7 Have ye any that are sick among you? Bring them hither. Have ye any that are lame, or blind, or halt, or maimed, or leprous, or that are withered, or that are deaf, or that are afflicted in any manner? Bring them hither and I will heal them, for I have compassion upon you; my bowels are filled with mercy.

 8 For I perceive that ye desire that I should show unto you what I have done unto your brethren at Jerusalem, for I see that your faith is sufficient that I should heal you.

 9 And it came to pass that when he had thus spoken, all the multitude, with one accord, did go forth with their sick and their afflicted, and their lame, and with their blind, and with their dumb, and with all them that were afflicted in any manner; and he did heal them every one as they were brought forth unto him.

 10 And they did all, both they who had been healed and they who were whole, bow down at his feet, and did worship him; and as many as could come for the multitude did kiss his feet, insomuch that they did bathe his feet with their tears.

 11 And it came to pass that he commanded that their little children should be brought.

 12 So they brought their little children and set them down upon the ground round about him, and Jesus stood in the midst; and the multitude gave way till they had all been brought unto him.

 13 And it came to pass that when they had all been brought, and Jesus stood in the midst, he commanded the multitude that they should kneel down upon the ground.

 14 And it came to pass that when they had knelt upon the ground, Jesus groaned within himself, and said: Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people of the house of Israel.

Verse 14 is how I am feeling today. I feel like I've been knocked over again, but I am so grateful that Christ understands my pain. He loves me and wants me to be happy.

I am so so happy. My life is so good because of the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ. He is the reason I can change. The reason I can rejoice. The reason my life is full of peace and direction. 

Today I am going to take some time to get through this. From the words of a beloved apostle "Therefore, it is good advice to slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions." (from President Uchtdorf's talk Of Things That Matter Most http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/of-things-that-matter-most?lang=eng&query=slow+down)

"Scriptures that are falling apart usually belong to someone who isn't"

If we all were Tailors...

I love my past friends from when I lived in Layton, High School friends, ward friends, and college roommates. I love my family. I don't mean to use this article to take jabs at anyone. I've noticed something all of us (especially myself) do at times and its bothered me.

Today's post is about changing and letting people change. I love to keep up with friends and family via technology and visit with them whenever I can. We are all people. We are all growing and learning each step of the way. I have strengths and weaknesses and so do you! I am aware of my weaknesses, sometimes more than I am aware of my strengths. I don't have a flawless past. Even when others make mistakes and you think you see clearly how wrong they are, you might be the one who is wrong. More than anyone, they know what mistakes they have made. People are divinely given the ability to CHANGE. So, LET THEM CHANGE. 

 From an article recently on KSL I took the following from Coach Kim: "These experiences do not define who you are. They are just places you've been. Just because you spent time traveling through Texas doesn’t make you a Texan. Texas was a location on your journey; it is not who you are." 

     Can I add its not who other people are either? 

Yes, once that girl kissed that boy who she barely knew. Yes, that boy came to school smelling like cigarette smoke. Did you think that maybe she was craving attention because her father doesn't give her any. Or did you think that maybe the boy was lucky to get to school on his own with parents who are passed out on the couch from a night of partying? I know people like this. They are amazing from what they have come from. They already feel inadequate. Your job as a follower of Christ is to help them remember the Son or Daughter of God that they are!

I saw another quote at work the other day (Thanks Michaela :D) it read, "The only man who behaved sensibly was my tailor; he took my measurements anew every time he saw me, while all the rest went on with their old measurements and expected them to fit me. " - George Bernard Shaw

We should all be like tailors. Let us not expect others to fit into the same stereotypes we gave them ten years ago. Let us let others feel like the irreplaceable value able people they are. Let us practice Christ like behavior as we STOP IT. :D  http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2012/04/the-merciful-obtain-mercy

A favorite story of mine is of a prison warden who changed an entire prison. Clinton T. Duffy was often seen going through the prison unarmed and kindly speaking with prisoners. In President Monson's talk To the Rescue he said,

"Another principle of truth which will guide us in our determination is that boys and men can change. I’m reminded of the words of a prison warden who taught this fact. A critic who knew of Warden Duffy’s efforts to rehabilitate men said, “Don’t you know that leopards can’t change their spots?”

Warden Duffy responded, 

“You should know I don’t work with leopards. I work with men, and men change every day.” 

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/04/to-the-rescue?lang=eng&query=warden+prison

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes. They do not define me. They are places I've been on my life's journey. Let me move on. Like the tailor, we all should take new measurements each time and see others in a way that is more fitting.

Me

Lately I have spent a lot of time pondering about my faith. I look at others and wonder where they are in their faith. I wonder if behind everything they show to the world, if there is something else inside. I am a people watcher. Sometimes I look at a person and see so much hardness. They are putting up a huge wall as if to tell others, "STAY AWAY. I'M MEAN, TOUGH, AND NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING."
When I see those people I wonder what has scared them in this life for them to think they need a shield up all the time. Other times I see people who's world looks picture perfect. They look flawless. Their life seems flawless; no family, marriage, religious, friend, or financial problems.
I then remember no one is perfect and no one is void of trials. I can't help but wonder what might theirs be. 

I learned about a model similar to this once. I made this model on my microsoft paint.

 Each triangle represents a different part of us: Spiritual, physical, social, our passion for something, etc.
Each layer of circles is another depth of  knowing about that particular thing. Some people know all of our outer circles. Some know one of the pizza slices almost to the core and yet they know nothing about our family or our childhood. The model also suggests that there is even a part of us that we don't know about ourselves.

I know that my Father in Heaven knows more about me than even I do. 

Anyways, as I've pondered this lately I've wondered what others see in me. Often times we know how others see us by how they treat us or talk to us.
I guess I will never know what others truly think of me, but I do know who I am.

• I have the best husband in the world. He is so so amazing to me. If I can get to be as patient and forgiving as he is, I will be set! He makes me laugh constantly and is always my favorite person to be with. 
• I am kind, compassionate, and considerate. I love people. I love children. I love the elderly. I love the Youth. I love baptists, Muslims, and vegans. I don't always understand them but I think they're cool because they stand for something. 
• I am a fighter. Because of my experiences as a child, I know that while so much of the world happily worries about what they're going to wear for family pictures, how they're going to decorate their house, and what car they want, there are thousands if not millions of people who are in a living hell. I watch for those who's faces tell their stories. I will do everything I can to change the wrong being done to others.
• I often feel very disconnected to people who seem to live a very typical, easy, life. I'm sure they don't have as perfect of a life as it seems but I still struggle to connect with the.
• I am a daughter of God who EVERY day needs to work on becoming better.
• I LOVE church music. EFY, Hymns, LDS and Christian artists are almost always playing in my car.
• I know with out a single doubt in my mind that there are prophets and apostles on the Earth TODAY. I know that they are the Lord's mouth pieces. I know that following their counsel, given from a very loving Father in Heaven, always brings peace and joy. 
• I know that Modest dress and speech says a lot to Heavenly Father about how proud we are to be His daughters. I always think of a sports team, a work office, or a kingdom being in a position to shine their light. If I was the coach, boss, king or bystander, I would know how grateful they are by how they presented themselves. My Father in Heaven has given me a body and a spirit. He has handcrafted it. Its is special and sacred to me. I am so grateful that I want to always put it in things that show Him how appreciative I am and how much I love Him. 
• My scriptures are just about the only thing that can bring me to center sometimes. If I need a reality check, guidance, or inspiration, I can turn to them. They are my daily source of joy!
• I feel that my education is very important. I once had a guy say to me, "Educate a man and you've educated one person. Educate a woman and you've educated a family." (PS I KNOW that formal education from a University is but one of the many ways a person can be educated. Some of the most educated people I know never went to college)
• I want more than anything for Caleb and I to have a large family to whom we are very close. I want a closeness with my children that I never had with my parents. I want us to share our values and our passions. I want us to be each others biggest fans. I want Caleb and I to stand before our God and know that we did the best we could with the most precious things God entrusted us with. 

I challenge anyone who is reading this to make a list of who you are! This list can be long or short. We are all so amazing and invincible. We are all immortal and of great worth to our Father In Heaven.

Doctrine and Covenants 18:10 "Remember the worth of Souls is great in the sight of God"

Sleepless Knight

Tonight is a night that I just can't sleep. A favorite quote of mine is, "If you can't sleep. Don't count sheep. Talk to the shepherd."
My mind is racing so fast I just want to slow it down. I figured Blogging might help. 

Have you ever known someone, but not in a way that their family would know you- just in a way that you know they'd know you? Well there is a guy I knew from youth activities in my stake in Clinton and I attended the singles ward with him. I always thought he was the nicest guy and I remember sincerely thinking he was a very genuine guy with a pure heart. I always got good vibes around him. I never gave much thought to him except when I saw him I remember having good feelings towards him. I don't know his family. I don't know his story. I just know his face and his kindness. His name is Layne Hendricks. He passed away on Thursday and my heart is aching for his family.
Losing a loved one is so awful.There have been so any deaths lately.

When I hear music that I listened to around the time my brother Cody died or when Brynlee died, it tears me apart. I was in Seagull Book the other day. While walking around the store a song came on. Immediately my heart ached. I said to Caleb, "I listened to this on the way to Cody's burial."
Gosh... I almost two years later and it still hurts.

Tonight after I heard about Layne my heart hurt. I started to cry and felt afraid.
I have so many questions for my Father in Heaven.
I know He'll answer them one by one... Some day.
For now, I'll trust Him. President Eyring said that apart of trusting Him is trusting His timetable.

I can do that. I know I can because my Savior keeps His promises.

The other day when I was reminded of a painful family situation, I was crying as I was talking to my sweet husband. He said to me, "God doesn't always take away our trials, but I know that he makes us strong enough to handle them." Caleb is so good to me.
I look at him and hope that someday he'll know the prince charming he is in my life.

I know he is right.

Losing loved ones is NEVER easy. That is definitely a trial that Heavenly Father and our Savior don't take away. But they do strengthen, comfort, and lift us so we can bear it. 

The thing that has happened to me since losing Cody and Brynlee is I am so worried that I'm going to lose someone else.
That in just a second, my whole world is going to stop again.

The other day we were at Caleb's grandparents house. I went through their old back door to their garage to get Caleb to come eat dinner. He said okay and I went to go inside the house. I stopped and leaned up against the door way to watch Caleb. He had his back towards me and was looking at their yard. I watched him and thought, "One day I will think of this moment- watching the Love of my life, just feet from me, and I'll wish I was this close again. I hope I NEVER take for granted having him so close that I can touch him and be in his strong comforting arms."

I had tears come to my eyes and he turned around and smiled. Its the craziest feeling to love someone this much. He teaches me every day about love.

Settling Into Summer

School is officially back in session. My sweet Caleb is going to do a full load this summer while I'm only doing one class. If I planned ahead better I would have taken a full load too but I didn't even look at what was offered in the summer until it was too late. (Secretly I'm happy because I NEEDED a break)

So between school and work this summer I'm going to have more time than I usually do. I have a summer bucket list.

1.  Go running at least three times a week on the trails I love.
2. Find at least one thing every day that I can do to make Caleb's life a little easier.
3. Read a book that will add value to my outlook on life. (I'm taking suggestions :D)
4. Get an A in my only summer class.
5. Take Caleb on a surprise summer date.
6. help my mom with her yard work
7. Get a little bit of scrapbooking/memorybooking done
8. Plan a SUPER fun anniversary. 

Yep thats it for now. Yay for summer!

Quotes off pinterest which totally and completely apply to my life...